i've been hesitant to share this, but here goes nothing...

hearing over the noise and through the silence

my mother told me about my uncle bob. 

robert lee, he fought for the south. 

shh, don't tell. he fought for the south.

our uncle bob.

mom, it's ok. my uncle bob, he was a good man.

no shame for my uncle bob. 

my uncle bob.

my mother told me i was an austrian princess.

a secret austrian princess. 

the civil war cast us out. cast us out of austria.

i am a secret austrian princess. 

my mother told me we were irish. oops. we're scottish.

mcrae is scottish. my grandfather is mcrae. my grandfather's grandfather. 

he's mcrae. i'm kirsten. kirsten is my grandmother's married name.

grandmother kirsten, she's blackfeet. 

grandmother kirsten, doesn't know her son's father. grandfather's father.

grandmother kirsten, she's blackfeet. she's blackfeet...i'm blackfeet?

grandmother kirsten, she's blackfeet.

i'm blackfeet?

they say i'm indian. i'm not indian. i don't know what it means to be indian. 

are you indian? they ask. they all ask. they ask everyday. i never know the answer.

am i indian? i don't know the answer.

if i say yes, am i posing? am i pretending? am i lying?

if i say no, am i withholding? am i suppressing? am i hiding?

my mother says, you're so lucky you know your mom. you know your dad.

you're so lucky, she says, for the family you know, the family you have.

you're so lucky you're american. you're american, american. 

we've been here forever, my mother says. forever, my mother says.

i'm blackfeet?

my mother's mother she speaks again. dakota, she says. dakota. 

my father's grandmother she speaks again. montana, she says. montana.

they say to me, lakota. they say to me blackfeet. my mother says forever. 

who am i?

french, lakota, scottish, irish?, blackfeet, cree? or creek?, austrian, german.

does that make me who i am? am i part of all of these? 

my foot? what part is that? my elbow, what part is that?

no. 

i am not part anything. they are a part of me.

my heart is 100 percent me. i am all colleen. 

even now i can't get the words out. how do i say them? can i say them?

will they come out?

can they ever come out?

i may never know. 

but i know i am me.

i am colleen.